Ten Clear Signs That You Are Middle Aged
By DeDe Howard, Contributing Columnist
These days, it’s become difficult to know what it means to be
middle aged. How do you know when you’re there?
Now that 60 is the new 40, 50 is the new 30, 40 is the new 20
and 30 is the new –what, 10---when do you know that you’ve
passed from that realm of ever young to the settled comfort of
cynicism and, some might say, wisdom. In this age of plumped-
out, tightened up, dyed-to-the-hilt and skinny-by-choice, just
what are the new signs of middle age?
Most of us know perfectly intelligent, otherwise sensible people
who have fallen victim to, let’s call it, "youngism". I know
women who won’t take a cruise longer than a month because
that’s exactly how long their touch-ups will last before gray
starts to show. The old dye bottle just won’t do either. They’ve
got the uber-expensive strand-at-a-time highlights that require
expert handling. So, it’s a jaunt down to Cabo or a quick trip to
the Caribbean. A trip outside the time zone for any length of
time is, well, out of the question.
I know people who are so jealous of their hairdresser’s
appointment schedule that they will book two appointments in a
row to “block off” the last hours of the day, giving them time to
delve with sufficient langor into the minute details of achieving
that shiny naturalness of youthful hair.
Men are in on the act too. Gone are the days when men were
ashamed of pampering themselves for fear of appearing
unmasculine. Now, men are saying “bring it on”.
I now compete with men for my hairdresser’s time slots. And
the men are not the least bit self-conscious. I’ve tried to scare
them back to the barbershops by talking loudly about female
problems –irregular periods, hysterectomies, you know, the nitty
gritty stuff. But it doesn’t work. They don’t scare. They're
there for the works. Highlights, facial, manicures, pedicures with
extra buffing, thank you.
If Boomers were the generation that wanted to change the
world, and post-boomers were the generation that wanted to
change the digits in their bank accounts, then this current
generation may best be thought of as the generatiuon that
wants to change their hair. Call them the Detangled Generation.
Or the Botox Generation. They may have achieved an even
more diffcicult feat than any generation before them-–they’ve
changed all of us into them.
So, how do you know when you’ve hit the Middle Hump in the
Great Road of Life? Here are 10 Clear Signs That You’ve
Reached Middle Age.
You Know You’re Middle Aged When
1. Your natural undyed hair resembles Bozo the Clown –
thick at the ears, non-existent on top.
2. Your natural undyed hair resembles the Joker in the
Batman movies—gray at the ears, dark on top.
3. You don’t remember what your natural undyed hair looks
4. You don’t know how to text message.
5. You don’t know how to instant message.
6. You think a blog is a weather condition.
7. You would rather do without sex than your joint
8. You remember when Coke was a dime –-and by Coke you
mean the soda
9. You paid to see Celine Dion in Vegas
10. When someone says they love Madonna, you say you’re
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